you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
