You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think a kid would responsible me up
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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