and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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