Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Found the puke drawer
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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