I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize