It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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