Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
What a dumb baby whore.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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