ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
