Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
