I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize