I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
