Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
