um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
