how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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