I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
