woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
