you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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