Your face is a jimmy john
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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