omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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