Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
