Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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