btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
