It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
