My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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