Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
