Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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