I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
