Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
