I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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