I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
50% drunk capacity currently
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
