I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
