My sheets look like a crime scene.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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