he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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