So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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