Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
