she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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