I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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