I just pynch a tree in the face
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
