I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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