So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
