Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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