please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
