I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
