You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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