Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's official drugs can't kill me
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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