On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
His nipple licking is glorious
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