y did u give ur computer a hand job?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Randomize
