The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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