i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
