So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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