You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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