I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
