my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Randomize