when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
