i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
