Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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