he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
