Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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