You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
