I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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