I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
