We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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