Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize